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Fishnet Brando

 

Well, Halloween Dean, he’s a real mean queen

He got his head screwed backwards on the movie scene

And Outer Space Grace got a pump-ass face

She’s a gender-bending legend of the silver screen

 

I am the rebel of no escape

Han Solo in a fluffy silver cape

I got a message from the cockatoo

He said “I didn’t bop buddy bang a buckaroo”

 

Jelly Face Jeb, he’s a blob-eyed pleb

A-swinging through Womanhattan on a spider web

And Bubble Wrap Jack got a hunchback cat

He likes to whack it round the shack in a potato sack

 

Get down on your knees and beg

My ultra-violence make you infra-dead

I’m an electrobilly with a one-man band

On a two-way mission to Palookaland

 

Gimme your money, gimme all your money

Gimme my money, honey, I’m the Fishnet Brando

I want my money and if you don’t agree

I’m gonna ram a lam a ding a dong a 1-2-3-Go!

 

Well, tell me baby, do you like my trash?

I’m gonna hum like a slummer in a bummer mask

And Choogaboogaloo Sue got a suede tattoo

Of a diddy boppin’ buddy bouncin’ Betty Boo

 

I am the rebel with no ker-plunk

I’m a two-bit pillock, I’m a thrupenny punk

I’m a midnight monkey, I’m the Fake McCoy

I’m a teenage horrorshow slash-up boy

 

Gimme your money, gimme all your money

Gimme my money, honey, I’m the Fishnet Brando

I want my money and if you got the time

I’m gonna ram a lam a ding a dong a bottle of wine

 

Gimme your money, gimme all your money

Gimme my money, honey, I’m the Fishnet Brando

I want my money and if you don’t agree

I’m gonna ram a horse head on your Christmas Tree

 

Film star

That’s what I are

Gonna swagger with a dagger like a Rubber De Niro

 

Dames Jean

Queen McSteve

Gonna swivel and a giggle like a Masculine Monroe

 

Hobo

Burger Bardot

Gonna hobble and a gobble like a Fetish Pacino

 

Gangstar

Flashy motar

Gonna mumble in a jungle like a Fishnet Brando

 

 

Aliens Took My Stereo

 

What’s that I spy upon afar?

Two weird geezers sitting in a car

Staking out my bedsit while I eat my Chinese

Who’s that there knocking at the door?

Same two blokes I talked about before

Realised they were aliens and fell to my knees

 

Unholy visitation

I prepared for annihilation

All they did was barge into my flat and steal my things

 

Men are coming in my room and taking things away

They’re taking my stereo away

 

I knelt awestruck and overcome

Thought they’d kill me with a laser gun

Paralysed with dread and discombobuled with fear

Thought they might devastate the globe

Or subject me to an anal probe

But they just ignored me and nicked off with my gear

 

Don’t tell me I’m naive

Why won’t anyone just believe?

The truth is out there, way out there, so out there that it’s here

 

Men are coming in my room and taking things away

They’re taking my stereo away

Aliens came in my room and took my things away

They’re taking my stereo away

 

Maybe they were burglars and my spaceman theory’s wrong

But why would someone try to burgle me unless they came from Mars?

My Dad said they were bailiffs but he always hides the truth from me

Like all those little liars in the White House and the Pentagon

They loaded up their van with all the things that they had taken

Then without so much a bye your leave got in and buggered off

I tried to say goodbye in Martianese but I don’t know any

Apart from “bartiklartikantiko” which means “Hello”

 

Men are coming in my room and taking things away

They’re taking my stereo away

Aliens came in my room and took my things away

They’re taking my stereo away

 

 

All I Ever Do (is sit in my room)

 

All I ever do is sit in my room

And think about things that I shouldn’t be really thinking

All I ever do is sit in my room

And fret about cancer and nuclear war and pensions

Every single day, I stay in my room

And wish I had mates who could phone up and take me drinking

But who am I kidding?

 

I tell you, I can’t go outside cos someone might steal my bag

And even if they didn’t steal my bag

I just can’t bear to be seen with my bag

It’s an embarrassing bag that my Mum bought me years ago

And what if I didn’t take my bag?

I’d have to carry everything in my hands

And that’s just completely impractical

When you carry as much stuff as me

 

All I ever do is sit in my room

And watch mucky videos like a drooling old bloke

Who forgot to brush his teeth and comb his hair

Every now and then, I might turn on the news

But Peter Sissons laughs at me

And George Alagiah takes the piss out of my shoes

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like out there

In the fresh clean air

Where the kiddies laugh and play

But the terrorists and hoodies put me off

And besides, I’ve forgotten how to walk

 

And the rain will flatten my hair

And the sunshine will burn off my skin

The snow is too slippy and cold

And the hail is too harsh

And the grey clouds are all plain depressing

It’s probably best if I sit in a crap wooden chair

Reading books that I’ve already read

I wish I could cry

But I’m a big boy now

And the Government are watching me on cameras like in the Truman Show

 

So maybe I’ll stay in my room

You won’t get me out of my room

I’m staying right here in my room

 

Maybe

Maybe I’ll go out one time

Maybe I’ll stay here

Maybe I’ll stay at home

 

 

The Cowboy Astronaut of Mother’s Day

 

10 (Yee-ha)

9 (Yahoo)

8 (Yee-ha)

7 (Yahoo)

6 (Yee-ha)

5 (Yahoo)

4

We have blast off!

 

Dear Mum, how’s it all going?

Gee, I’m real sorry I ain’t wrote you for so long

This space mission’s taking longer than I thought it would

I’ll probably be out here for another year or so

 

Say, Mum, it’s really cool in Space

But it’s nowhere near as cool as your home-made cooking

It was worse enough missing Thanksgiving with you

But missing Mother’s Day makes me really very angry indeed

 

Hey, hey, whaddya say?

I’m lost in Space on Mother’s Day

Lord, I don’t know what to do

Ain’t got you a gift and I feel blue

 

Fee fie foe fum

I don’t know what to get you, Mum

I’ve only got three Venusian dollar

Diddy-bop-boom-bang-a-boom-bang-walla

 

Don’t you worry, I’ll get one soon

Gonna pick some cheese up on the moon

Gonna climb onto my shuttle’s wings

Lasso you one of Saturn’s rings

 

Ding dong, it’s all gone wrong

I sold the Moon to the Viet Cong

Touching down on second base

Three strikes and you’re Outer Space

 

10 (Yee-ha)

9 (Yahoo)

7 (Yee-ha)

5 (Yahoo)

3 (Yee-ha)

1 (Yahoo)

None

We have blast off!

 

Dear Mum, yes, it’s me again

I’m afraid I’ve got some real bummer news for you this time

I had a chat with NASA yesterday about the ship

They said the tiles have fallen off or something stupid like that

 

It sounds like a real sissy excuse to me

But I’ll probably be out here forever now

It’s bad enough not being able to see the Earth again

But missing Mother’s Day makes me want to destroy everything

 

Coke, fries, pecan pies

Shot me a Martian through the eyes

The Martian died, such a pity

Buried his bones in Old Dodge City

 

Change course, get off that horse

And drink your rocket fuel, of course

Wham, bam, pardon me, Mam

Did I kill your ass in Vietnam?

 

Strike one, what have I done?

Rode my horse into the sun

Hell no, the horse won’t go

Gonna fly right home on a UFO

 

Where’s your Mom, Major Tom?

Did I blow her up with a nuclear bomb?

Pussy and cars, life on Mars

Painting stripes on all the stars

 

Wicky wicky wah wicky wah wah space

 

Mother, Mother, can you hear?

I’m charting the final frontier

I’ll build an empire in your name

Before I boldly go insane

 

Hey, hey, lock me away

I’m lost in space on Mother’s Day

Old McDonald bought the moon

And turned it into a saloon

 

1, 2, buckle my shoe

What do I do if I don’t got you?

Catch a Klingon by the toe

And send him to Guantanamo

 

Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow

Cotton Eye Joe got a low down hoe

Naughty Neptune waves his wand

Up Uranus and beyond

 

Chill yer ass, I’m doin’ swell

In Norman Bates’s Space Motel

Just seen Elvis play guitar

On Alabamandromeda

 

 

Everything is Wrong

 

I’m standing naked in the rain

Playing backgammon with Death again

I see some flowers going mouldy on the shelf

And then I cry so hard I look as though I’ve wet myself

Sometimes I feel like I could kick my own head in

But I don’t think it would actually help

 

All hope has gone

My life’s a con

Everything is wrong

 

My life is like a stormy sea

It makes me vomit incessantly

A marbled hand emerges slowly from the lake

And slaps me sharply round the ribs until my kidneys ache

I’d carry on if there was something worth living for

But even if there was, I’d still moan

 

Death bangs his gong

The bells go dong

Everything is wrong

 

Sometimes I wish I was a senseless animal

Grazing meekly in the shade of the vale

But if I was I’d be the seven-headed dog

Who splits open when he chases his tail

 

I knelt and I began to pray

That all this emptiness and doubt would go away

And then the cherubim and seraphim came down from up above

Saying, “Do you know where we can get some drugs?”

Then they all disappeared

 

Death bangs his drum

Parrum-pom-pom

Everything is wrong

 

 

Music for Televisions

 

Music for televisions

Television going blah blah blah

Come and see the telly bop

To the television rock

 

My synthesiser playing

All the weirdest noises in the universe

And when the telly hears it

He begins to dance around the furniture

He does, you know

 

Music for televisions

Television going blah blah blah

Gonna scribble on a be bop

A ninga ninga nah

 

My synthesiser plays a

Futuristic cybernetic sci-fi tune

My television’s crazy

And he likes to polka round the living room

 

He only likes my songs

He don’t like Elton John

And he hates Wham

 

My mates say I’m a liar

But they don’t know what they’re on about

They ought to come and see it

But I will not let them in

Why should I let them in?

They ought to just believe me

And then shut their stupid gobs

Shut their gobs

Shut their gobs

Shut their bloody gobs

 

Music for televisions

Television going blah blah blah

A scribble on a be bop

A ninga ninga nah

Twa bra inga ninga ninga nah

Twa bra inga ninga ninga nah

 

Music

Music

Music

Mu Mu Mu Mu

Mu Mu Mu Mu

Mu Mu Mu Televisions

 


Lyrics by Waen Shepherd 2003-2005
Copyright Control

 


 

 

 

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