Waen Shepherd 

WRITING

AN ABSOLUTE CATASTROPHIC FAILURE AS A WRITER
Waen Shepherd
Despite the fact that it would seriously appeal to my sense of humour to write a page about writing that has no writing on it - sardonically mirroring my pathetic career as a writer, which is in truth no career at all - I’m afraid I’ve caved in to the more sensible side of my nature and decided to write something on it anyway. My reckless, impulsive side is, naturally, torn. On the one hand, me writing explanatory paragraphs like this is exactly the kind of wishy-washy ‘meet the audience in the middle’ crap my impulsive side wishes I didn’t do. It’s too nice, too normal, too orderly, too safe. Precisely why I’ve never got anywhere with my writing. On the other hand, before I sat down to write this I had very little idea of what I was actually going to write. And for a long time, while dreaming up this sorry collection of web pages, I wasn’t even going to include a page about Writing at all. I mean, why should I? I’m shit at it. So the very existence of this page is pretty impulsive in itself. And that sort of thing makes my impulsive side feel much, much better about its own existence. What makes it feel even more self-satisfied is that I really am a catastrophic failure as a writer. I suppose most people are, when you get down to it. But in my case, I did actually want to be one. The official job description I logged with HMRC when I registered as self-employed was “Actor/Writer”. I’ve spent most of my life writing - mainly for my own personal enjoyment - but sometimes for others too. I’ve even been paid to do it once or twice. But “once or twice” doesn’t qualify. I’ve been to one or two nightclubs but I’d never call myself a clubber. It doesn’t matter that I’ve spent my entire life writing silly song lyrics and vaguely amusing spoken material for my multiple doomed stand- up characters. The words I wrote then were just a tiny fraction of a larger whole, not the whole thing in itself. And in my book (pun not intended but not very skilfully avoided either), that means no one in their right mind would ever think of me as a writer. And nor should you. Of course, like all bad writers, I’m not telling the whole truth. You see, I did actually always intend to write a page about writing with some actual writing on it. Eventually. And when that page comes - because let me assure you this is definitely not it - it will hopefully make perfect sense of why there’s a page about writing here. Until then, you’re going to have to make do with this half-arsed piece of waffle as a placeholder. As a final peace offering, if only to say thanks mate and no hard feelings, I’ll leave you with a video of the one and only thing I ever did manage to write for television - an episode of the Channel 4 series Comedy Lab from 2001 called Origen’s Wake. Never mind whether or not it’s any good. It exists and that is all. There will be more. Writing, I mean. Not Origen’s Wake.

WRITING

AN ABSOLUTE CATASTROPHIC FAILURE AS A WRITER
Waen Shepherd 
Despite the fact that it would seriously appeal to my sense of humour to write a page about writing that has no writing on it - sardonically mirroring my pathetic career as a writer, which is in truth no career at all - I’m afraid I’ve caved in to the more sensible side of my nature and decided to write something on it anyway. My reckless, impulsive side is, naturally, torn. On the one hand, me writing explanatory paragraphs like this is exactly the kind of wishy-washy ‘meet the audience in the middle’ crap my impulsive side wishes I didn’t do. It’s too nice, too normal, too orderly, too safe. Precisely why I’ve never got anywhere with my writing. On the other hand, before I sat down to write this I had very little idea of what I was actually going to write. And for a long time, while dreaming up this sorry collection of web pages, I wasn’t even going to include a page about Writing at all. I mean, why should I? I’m shit at it. So the very existence of this page is pretty impulsive in itself. And that sort of thing makes my impulsive side feel much, much better about its own existence. What makes it feel even more self- satisfied is that I really am a catastrophic failure as a writer. I suppose most people are, when you get down to it. But in my case, I did actually want to be one. The official job description I logged with HMRC when I registered as self- employed was “Actor/Writer”. I’ve spent most of my life writing - mainly for my own personal enjoyment - but sometimes for others too. I’ve even been paid to do it once or twice. But “once or twice” doesn’t qualify. I’ve been to one or two nightclubs but I’d never call myself a clubber. It doesn’t matter that I’ve spent my entire life writing silly song lyrics and vaguely amusing spoken material for my multiple doomed stand-up characters. The words I wrote then were just a tiny fraction of a larger whole, not the whole thing in itself. And in my book (pun not intended but not very skilfully avoided either), that means no one in their right mind would ever think of me as a writer. And nor should you. Of course, like all bad writers, I’m not telling the whole truth. You see, I did actually always intend to write a page about writing with some actual writing on it. Eventually. And when that page comes - because let me assure you this is definitely not it - it will hopefully make perfect sense of why there’s a page about writing here. Until then, you’re going to have to make do with this half- arsed piece of waffle as a placeholder. As a final peace offering, if only to say thanks mate and no hard feelings, I’ll leave you with a video of the one and only thing I ever did manage to write for television - an episode of the Channel 4 series Comedy Lab from 2001 called Origen’s Wake. Never mind whether or not it’s any good. It exists and that is all. There will be more. Writing, I mean. Not Origen’s Wake.
Waen Shepherd