1971I am born in Castleford, West Yorkshire, to 18-year-old working class parents. They invent the name ‘Waen’ by combining two Ancient Egyptian words, ‘Wa’ and ‘En’ meaning ‘one and only’ or ‘the one that is all’. You can barely imagine the ensuing superiority complex, or the slowly-dawning embarrassment.
1975I am photographed on the wall outside our flat wearing a hat and scarf in honour of my hero, Doctor Who, as played on TV by Tom Baker. The influence that show had on me - in terms of wanting to act, write, make music and be funny - was so huge, I often wonder if the BBC should sue me for plagiarism.
1979We move to a village in North Yorkshire called Fairburn, where over the next two and a half years, I fill more than 20 school exercise books with stories, pictures, comic strips and egotistical sci-fi power fantasies about how one day I’m going to conquer the universe and run my own superhero comics empire.
1982We move to Pontefract, West Yorkshire, where I enrol at Park High School comprehensive and evolve into a bespectacled nerd who makes his own Doctor Who shows at home on a cassette recorder with the aid of BBC Sound Effect records. Still basically think I’m hilarious and destined for greatness.
1987Puberty and parental divorce kick most of the fun out of my life but a brief new identity as a goth gives me occasional ghoulish comfort. Still think the universe revolves around me, but it’s entirely populated by people who think I’m shit.
1990Against all the odds, I win a place at Oriel College, Oxford, ostensibly to study Philosophy and Psychology, but secretly to waste taxpayers’ money on booze and ill-fated attempts to be funny. Still utterly convinced I’m the bee’s knees but I’m living in a whole world of bees and their knees are amazing!
1994I move to London. The rest is a blur…
2000We get married! We have no children, but on purpose.
2003I did Gary Le Strange. More about that guy here