A brief diversion from the Stone Age now to have a look at Guy Fawkes, which I assume I
must have written on November 5th, in advance of the evening’s festivities. The problem this
time - bearing in mind that I obviously didn’t write this myself and am just copying it from
another more “official” source - isn’t so much about the facts not checking out, so much as
there’s way too much opinion masquerading as truth.
We know we’re in trouble when it starts out with a sentence about “the great Queen
Elizabeth.” It should be for me to work out whether or not she was great, surely? I suppose
you might say that “great” refers to her relative importance, the relative size of her
achievements or the length of her reign, rather than an opinion about how brilliant and
lovely she was. But I’d say you’re lying to yourself. The author’s clearly trying to steer me
down a dark psychological pathway that ends with brainwashed kids.
Then we continue with a (largely false) story about Robert Carey’s attempts to curry favour
with the poor, idiotic Scottish King James I, who is so easily impressed with him, he makes
him Earl of Monmouth. Culminating in this beauty:
“King James was not a pleasant man. Not only was he of ungainly appearance, he was also
untrustworthy and deceitful.”
Don’t mince words, mate. Tell me what you really think.
Just to examine this for a second - it seems the perceived attributes of King James depend on
which country you were born in. According to this article, in Scotland, he was generally
perceived as pleasing to look at and to listen to, but in England, he was described as being
hunchbacked and ugly. And he couldn’t speak properly because his tongue was too big for
his mouth. Oh and he was dirty. And a homosexual. Maybe even a paedophile. And he drank
so much he was constantly throwing up. Which meant he really, really, really stank. So he
actually got off lightly in my book.
And sadly, that’s where it ends. I spend so long blabbing on about King James, I never even
get as far as talking about Guy Fawkes. Not one mention.
But if I had mentioned him, presumably the text would have been on his side? Since James
was so ugly and awful. Someone had to kill him, right? And that hero was, presumably, Guy
Fawkes.
So, let me get this right. On Guy Fawkes Night, we burn effigies of him because we want to
punish him eternally for trying to kill a King we didn’t even like? Not sure I understand. We
should be celebrating him, right? Or mourning his execution at the hands of the ugly, smelly,
lying King? Has anyone actually ever thought this through?
Of course, in real life, we didn’t burn him. Although by the sound of what was supposed to
happen at his execution, burning to death might actually have been preferable. Fortunately
for Fawkes, by some quirk of fate (if you believe the stories), he slipped and broke his neck
on the way up to the scaffold, avoiding the worst of it.
So did I learn anything? No, but probably for the best, if what I was supposed to learn was
this messed up. Thankfully, in the real world, Bonfire Night is a completely sane experience
and not messed up at all.
I haven’t been to a bonfire for years.
Guy Fawkes
People in the Old Stone Age
Guy Fawkes
People in the Old Stone Age: 2
People in the Old Stone Age: 3
The New Stone Age
People of the Bronze Age
The Story of Nelson: 1
The Story of Nelson: 2
The Story of Nelson: 3
Florence Nightingale
The Story of Nelson: 4
The Story of Nelson: 5
The Story of Nelson: 6
The Story of Nelson: 7
Christopher Columbus: 1
Christopher Columbus: 2
The Soldier
Napoleon Bonaparte
Napoleon’s Mother
The Queen of Spain
The French Revolution
The Surrender of Toulon
Upon Return From Italy
The Armed Revolt
Josephine de Beauharnais
The Thin Young Man
The Little Corporal
The Most Famous Man in France
A Proposal About Egypt
Master of France
Weary of War
Hero of the People
Emperor at 34
Danger Across the Sea
Wherever Wood Can Float
An Empire in Decline
WAEN SHEPHERD
Who was this strange
little boy?
SCIENCE 1
Sept 1979 - Apr 1980
GEOGRAPHY 1
Sept 1979 - Feb 1981
Bonfire Night
Waen’s first time at the
annual village fireworks
display
Great Space Battles
Three mighty empires
take their first steps
into outer space
TERM 1
A day-by-day account of
Waen’s first term at
Fairburn School
TOPIC 1
He knows the names of
all the dinosaurs
TOPIC 2
The one where it all
kicks off
Ward’s 7
John Ward and his band
of rebels fight the evil
Federation
A brief diversion from the Stone Age now to have a
look at Guy Fawkes, which I assume I must have
written on November 5th, in advance of the
evening’s festivities. The problem this time - bearing
in mind that I obviously didn’t write this myself and
am just copying it from another more “official”
source - isn’t so much about the facts not checking
out, so much as there’s way too much opinion
masquerading as truth.
We know we’re in trouble when it starts out with a
sentence about “the great Queen Elizabeth.” It
should be for me to work out whether or not she
was great, surely? I suppose you might say that
“great” refers to her relative importance, the relative
size of her achievements or the length of her reign,
rather than an opinion about how brilliant and
lovely she was. But I’d say you’re lying to yourself.
The author’s clearly trying to steer me down a dark
psychological pathway that ends with brainwashed
kids.
Then we continue with a (largely false) story about
Robert Carey’s attempts to curry favour with the
poor, idiotic Scottish King James I, who is so easily
impressed with him, he makes him Earl of
Monmouth. Culminating in this beauty:
“King James was not a pleasant man. Not only was he
of ungainly appearance, he was also untrustworthy
and deceitful.”
Don’t mince words, mate. Tell me what you really
think.
Just to examine this for a second - it seems the
perceived attributes of King James depend on which
country you were born in. According to this article,
in Scotland, he was generally perceived as pleasing
to look at and to listen to, but in England, he was
described as being hunchbacked and ugly. And he
couldn’t speak properly because his tongue was too
big for his mouth. Oh and he was dirty. And a
homosexual. Maybe even a paedophile. And he
drank so much he was constantly throwing up.
Which meant he really, really, really stank. So he
actually got off lightly in my book.
And sadly, that’s where it ends. I spend so long
blabbing on about King James, I never even get as
far as talking about Guy Fawkes. Not one mention.
But if I had mentioned him, presumably the text
would have been on his side? Since James was so
ugly and awful. Someone had to kill him, right? And
that hero was, presumably, Guy Fawkes.
So, let me get this right. On Guy Fawkes Night, we
burn effigies of him because we want to punish him
eternally for trying to kill a King we didn’t even like?
Not sure I understand. We should be celebrating
him, right? Or mourning his execution at the hands
of the ugly, smelly, lying King? Has anyone actually
ever thought this through?
Of course, in real life, we didn’t burn him. Although
by the sound of what was supposed to happen at
his execution, burning to death might actually have
been preferable. Fortunately for Fawkes, by some
quirk of fate (if you believe the stories), he slipped
and broke his neck on the way up to the scaffold,
avoiding the worst of it.
So did I learn anything? No, but probably for the
best, if what I was supposed to learn was this
messed up. Thankfully, in the real world, Bonfire
Night is a completely sane experience and not
messed up at all.
I haven’t been to a bonfire for years.
FAIRBURN
The place where I wrote
all this rubbish
Bonfire Night
Waen’s first time at the
annual village fireworks
display
Guy Fawkes
TERM 1
A day-by-day account of
Waen’s first term at
Fairburn School
Waen Shepherd 2
Waen’s heroic antics in
the far-flung future of
2007 AD!
Captain Carnivore
Gary Shepherd is
hunted down by a
deadly flying meteor
Florence Nightingale
What if Florence
Nightingale had lived in
the Year 2000?
Happy Easter!
A home made Easter
card I made for my
Mum and Dad