LYRICS

THE BEAN FACTORY

I sit all day in a plastic chair In the middle of conveyor belt 59 At the bean factory At the bean factory I scoop up beans and put them in tins Trying my best not to spill any At the bean factory At the bean factory I pick up the phone and talk to the farmer And ask him why the delivery’s late At the bean factory At the bean factory I work in beans I wear black leather and a German hat PVC stockings and platform shoes At the bean factory At the bean factory I go back home, eat fish and chips Then I watch Eastenders and Casualty At the bean factory At the bean factory Every now and then, I get an erection When I see Donna from marketing At the bean factory At the bean factory I work in beans Beans means money Beans means sense Beans means pounds Beans means pence Beans means rock Beans means roll Beans means me Not on the dole Every Friday night I get pissed up And knock about the park with my mate Dean At the bean factory At the bean factory He's got long hair and a motor bike And he likes Iron Maiden and Motley Crue At the bean factory At the bean factory He once poured petrol on a cat Set fire to it and threw it in a pond He's a right laugh He's a right laugh Is my mate Dean Dean reckons he’s like Eddie Kidd And he can do stunt jumps over double deckers I believe him I believe him He says his Dad is a secret agent Who assassinates traitors for the Queen I believe him I believe him Dean reckons he’s mates with James Bond And the pair of them go on holiday I believe him I believe him Do you believe? Beans means money Beans means sense Beans means dollars Beans means cents Beans means wonga Beans means loot Beans means me Not prostitute Eee, I tell thee I left t' house this mornin' There were like orange smoke Comin' out o' t' chimney And dribblin' down' t' sides o' me house And I thought "That can't be raight" So I gorrup on t' roof and had a closer look An' it turned out it wa'n't smoke at all! It were just a load of beans I thought "That's a bit funny" Burri 'ad to go, cos I were late for work So I got theer, an oh good God You should have seen it It were a raight fuckin' mess There were beans all o'er t' shop All o'er t' floor and all o'er t' walls and t' ceilin' I says "What the bloody 'ell's been goin' on 'ere? 'As tha been faightin' wi' t' bean pump ageean?" And t' boss says "Oh aye, very funny. One o' t' bolts has come loose On t' conveyor belt An' all t' beans 'ave tummelled off. Hey up - Can tha go down to t' tool cupboard And gerrus a spanner? Go on - stop standin' abaht Like a great big useless wart and get gone" I says "Alraight, alraight Keep your fuckin' 'air on" So I went down to t' tool cupboard O'er t' other end o' t' fuckin' factory, mind An' when I got theer, I couldn't get in Cos it were all covered in beans So I 'ad to go all t' way back to t' conveyor belt And break t' news to t' boss So he says, "Oh, fuckin' ell. Alraight, well, Tha'd better go down to Hickson’s They'll have a spanner tha can borrer. Well, go on then! Stop lookin' at me like a parrot-faced wazzack And gerroff wi' yer" So it were onny 8.30 in t' fuckin' mornin' An' already I were thinkin' "This is a raight fuckin' day, this. Already I've 'ad beans comin' out of t' chimney, Beans all o'er t' floor o' t' factory, and now I've gorra go down to fuckin' Hickson’s. It's a raight bleedin' palaver." And then Oh God, you're not gonna believe this I went down Smawthorne Lane And turned onto Beancroft Road I couldn't fuckin' believe it! Whole street were full o' beans! I saw this lass and she were like Half 'angin' out o' t' beans, like they were Tryin' to swallow her up or summat She were a right state She were just covered in beans An' 'er 'air were all matted up wi' red sauce An' I says "Are you alright, love? Do you wanna 'and?" An' she says "Don't worry about me, love. It's too late for me. But dunt 'ang about or they'll get yer! Go on, leggit! Save thisen!" An' a load o' beans all just rose up into t' sky Like a macker great big gob An' lunged raight at me Like they were gonna eat me for their teas! I thought "Fuck me! What am I gonna do?" So I ran like the bloody clappers. I were shagged out by t' time I got to t' market I thought "Chuffin' 'ell, I'm knackered. I'd better 'ave a sit down" So I went into T' Blue Cup - You know that greasy spoon? I went in an' sat down And you know who works theer, dunt yer? Lee Duckett. Aye, I know. Lee Fucking Duckett. And he says "Alraight owd cock, 'ow's tha doin'? I a'n't seen thee since t' pit closed" I says "Hey up, Lee. Fuckin' 'ell, have you seen these beans?" He says "Aye, It's a right bloody disgrace, i'n't it? I've telled t' council about it But they waen't fuckin' do owt. Any road, Does tha want summat to eat?" And I says, "Aye, I might do! I a'n't 'ad me brekkie yet, I'm fuckin' starvin'" He says, "What's tha want?" I says "Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. BEANS! BEEEEEEEAAAANS!!!"

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